Adrian Comeau

Sorry for the lack of posting good followers :P I have been really busy with school over the past weeks, and I due to that stress I hit a bit of a mental block in what I should write about next. Luckily, after a stirring Church meeting last night (lasting till 2 am, thus questioning my sanity of why I was awake at 8:30), I feel that issues of Grace, and the challenges that come with that can be written about :) Now that I’m done babbling…

So, as I went home last night from this Church meeting, I couldn’t help but think of Grace, and what it means, how hard it is to act out, what it means for the world, and why, why in any context should I show Grace?

For starters, Grace can mean a lot-from a title, to divine regeneration, the definition from a dictionary doesn’t get us very far. For the sake of this blog, Grace will be the act of showing another thing compassion, understanding, and ultimately forgiveness. Yes, this is the stereotypical Christian definition, but I feel it is most fitting for this blog.

Why is Grace so hard to act out? Why is it, that as human beings we find it struggling to show compassion and empathy to those in our lives. I’m not talking about the poor person on the street, or the handicapped going inside of a grocery store, I’m talking about our enemies-the ones in our lives that have caused us pain and sorrow. It’s easy to show Grace to those who have treated you kindly, or even those you do not know, but it is so hard to show Grace to those who have done wrong to us.

Something myself and other Christians struggle with is this very issue-we are called to love our enemy, but it seems in North America our culture is telling us the opposite. From the media to the education system, autonomy, Capitalism, and revenge are quite prevalent, while compassion, empathy, and genuine understanding are not. Think about the shows on TV. They very seldom show attributes of Grace, unless of course you watch only the Family Channel for your entire life.

What does showing Grace mean for the world? And no, I’m not talking about North America strictly (as it is easy as North Americans to get caught up in this small piece of land being the only importance in the entire universe), but for the entire world-the planet. Think for a second, if all political leaders stopped caring about money, getting ahead, being stronger than the others…and started genuinely showing interest in those in need….Mind blown? Yeah, it happened to me too. I figure, if/when this happens (Gotta try showing hope), that things are going to be very different.

Aside from political leaders showing Grace, what does it mean for the world when individuals in countries show Grace to one another? Think about it this way: when you get your revenge on someone, and you see them in suffering-how good do you honestly feel after the initial rush of revenge has subsided. Lets be real here, for a lot of us, it doesn’t last long for us. We don’t like seeing human suffering, real, human suffering (which is different from Hollywood human suffering). I think, weve been re-programed to want revenge, but if thats the case then why when we extract it we start to feel feelings of regret, and self disappointment? I think, truly we are programmed to show Grace-Argue it from any model you want (scientific, evolutionist, Christian, whatever)- I believe that humans are meant to show Grace to other people, and that anything else is an obscurity of our code.

Why should we show Grace? The answer seems pretty obvious now, doesn’t it? What do we enjoy more-seeing people suffer, or seeing people succeed? What makes our world better-Dominance and control, or love and justice? What brings happiness? Possessions and autonomy, or community, compassion, Grace? Yes, I stated answers and then asked questions, and heres why: We, every one of us have ideas of why we should show Grace (or not), and I am not about to tell you why YOU should show Grace. Personally, I try and show Grace to those who have hurt me because, I know it is better than doing anything else (knowledge does not always mean actions, mind you). Yes, I have ranted about how autonomy is damaging to showing grace, and yet I believe it is the individuals choice to struggle with this concept. Why? Because, I have no authority over humanity, God does (in my opinion), and this entire post was designed to challenge our conventional ways of thought, and perhaps change them.

Sorry for the length, it’s been awhile and this is a really hard topic for me to struggle through. And I hope for anyone who takes the time to read this blog (God bless, btw), that you struggle through it to. Think about Grace when you treat your sibling like shit, or you laugh when your enemies are hurt and devastated. Think, and feel-not your pain, but theres. Put yourself in their shoes and feel their sorrow, let it consume you-for a moment. Why? Because if I’m right, and human beings truly want love to conquer hatred, then you will start to look at Grace as more than just a white Christian concept that is only for the pious;but as a concept that everyone can embrace.

Thank you everyone who reads this posting, it truly means a lot that you are willing to struggle through this issue with me.

Love you all,
Adrian Comeau.

I cannot comprehend my body lying on this floor.

I say that I am leaving, my heart comes out, not a sound.

I don’t really feel that this was wrong.

But it doesn’t make me feel anymore strong…

I’m united,

together we stand tall, no matter who falls!

Maybe I’m leaving,

but you are guys are gleaming.

And I have faith you will continue on,

you’ve been through enough adversity that I cannot compile into one song,

but perhaps you’ll see it,

His presence is the right fit.

Nothing but courage,

man, don’t get discouraged.

He is still here, guiding you so clear.

The love is shining!

And the world is spinning,

I’ll miss you all my friends,

but for now this is the end!

I think I have an issue with thee, I think you have an issue with me.

We clash like its our jobs, we clash like we are slobs.

I can never look at you again, I used to call you friend.

You wonder why I cry? Look up at the sky, her face in your eyes…

I’ve been betrayed a thousand times, but this one hurt the most I find.

I’m coming down from you, and always making sure I do…

The thing thats right for me.

That thing, finally.

You do your best to keep me chained,

Inside of this body!

But I must relinquish this pain, let go of the past and start again…

I feel so maimed, right into the core.

My anxieties rise, peaking to the skies…

I thought maybe, just once more…

I could feel what it is like…to be normal…

Promote equality, but shun those who are weak.

Enjoy your false sense of feeling meek,

As I pave your insides on the street.

This is what they’ve called to me.

So, this is probably one of my first angry rants in a long time. Regardless if the frustration and anger has currently subsided, I still feel it is important that I rant on entitlement: and how stupid it is that we have it.

I do it, you do it, we all do it-We all feel we are entitled to things. Property, money, friendship, sex-we all feel that we are somehow entitled to gain things without working at them. This is a current issue with middle class North American Society, and it becomes more prominent in upper class families. We, for some reason feel that we deserved things without putting much effort-we deserve friendship, we deserve money, and we deserve to be liked…To be honest, this is mis conceived for what is really privilege-we were born, with advantadges that we did nothing to earn for ourselves…

For example, as a white male I have tons of privilege that perhaps a low class, African American female won’t have. I won’t be judged, or put into a stereotype at first glance. Granted, I am not free from these issues-but I can avoid them if I choose. For instance, if I keep my hair long and unkept, I can be stereotyped (more often in the high school scene) as an emo, and become an outcast-a simple hair cut can change the scene however. For an African American low class women, trying to work her way through school, or even get jobs, she will be faced with a large number of discrimination that I do not face. This is privilege. I did not earn being white, I was born white, and thus I have unfair advantages in society-just like a child born in wealth has advantages that a child born in poverty does not.

Another form of entitlement is the sense we, as immature human individuals feel that we can put each other down and totally disrespect another human being. We do this all the time-from gossip in social circles, to upfront verbal abuse, to not fair trade chocolate or coffee-we constantly feel we, earned the right to desecrate someone else just for our own selfish satisfaction. Ego boosts, that Snickers, Tim Hortons? It’s sickening, but we all do it.

Hard to swallow? Good, maybe we can think twice about what we do to other human beings. If we don’t, than were probably not going to get very far.

Peace n Love.

So, I’ve been contemplating what the future holds for me, and what God’s plan could perhaps enlighten me (yeah, this post is heavily based in faith, so if that isn’t appealing..). I’ve been curious-what, am I going to do in the end of it all, and how is God working in my life throughout my day to day?

Anyone who has wrestled with faith will know that God sometimes seems so distant from us in our lives. Somedays, it feels like God is the last resource we would ever “Tap” into in order to gain strength. With most of us, partners, friends, or vices would be a much more natural choice than perhaps an entity we cannot see, touch, or smell (I left out feel or hear for a reason :P).

I mean, I know when I’m in distress I turn to my partner first and foremost with anything that I need…it just seems so natural to call her and confide in my issues, versus praying to God and trying to work it out with Him.

As expressed in earlier posts, I’ve had anxieties pertaining to trust for a long time…and a lot of these anxieties have filtered through into my current relationship. You know though, the one thing that has kept me centered and alive is that I feel God has called me to be with my partner, and continue my life by her side. If God really has interest in protecting me and showing how to show love and compassion, why then would he lead me astray?

I’d say, God has big plans for us, the world, and the future of His children. What’s so profound about these thoughts is that I could be wrong as much as I could be right-who truly knows what God does and how He works…or even how he exists. Faith, good friends, followers and trolls, is how we know He works through us. Without Faith, we are sheltered for a life of despair-regardless of if your Faith is in Jesus, or in the government, your spouse…we all need a little faith.

Sorry for the lack of posting over the past few days, it’s been crazy busy at school, youth group and work, thus my sleep has suffered and thus my blogging has suffered. I was tempted to post on Tuesday, but I felt my mindless rabble would have been no use to anyone as I was drooling on my keyboard :P However, after my recent visit to the doctors office I feel that there is something I can talk about today.

So, I went to the doctors in order to sort out what the pains were in my stomach. To describe, the pains could become so intense that I would have to stop walking, or I would start vomiting. They were triggered by anxieties, stress, and some foods (which, I have yet to figure out what causes what exactly =, oh a fun process that will be!). I did some research this weekend and considered the possibility of a stomach ulcer (kanker sore inside your stomach). To my relief, it is nothing more than irritable bowel syndrome, and can be treated by loosening up, a better diet and fiber. I left the doctors with some fears though, and my awesome community of fellow bloggers and followers, I shall share them.

I really wanted to tackle my anxieties issues. Over the past 6-7 months (Sept-Present), I have been battling these anxieties, from the one severe end of the spectrum (having such strong attacks i freeze up and become distorted), to mild feelings of uncomfortable anxieties in my stomach… all while experience emotional disturbances during these moods.

Personally, I tried going to counseling services-which ended up making my situation worse (placing the anxieties as a real, tangible thing through counseling while the techniques were not working to alleviate them really does a number to the brain). And since then I’ve been doing techniques I’ve learned through school (SSW program), and support from my partner to aid myself, to mental jungle gym work, to try and rationalize the anxieties/get rid of them.

To say the least, I’ve improved quite a bit since September. The anxieties attacks aren’t nearly as bad, and I’m starting to become less provoked by different things. Lately though, I’ve felt like I’ve been in a rut-a place that I will never leave, where the anxieties still can envelop me and I can still become emotionally affected, with no ability to control them…

This connects to my Dr. appointment, dont worry. My Dr. is a pill pusher-very quick to give medicine, very hesitant to try other solutions. Knowing this, I figured I’d be told by my Dr when I mentioned the anxieties that he will prescribe me anti anxiety medications and send me on my way.

Sure, this sounds bad, but oh my goodness-did this seem good to me…I want to be anxious free so bad, I want to avoid vomiting or becoming emotionally upset at things that are totally irrational, I want to be normal, like I was a year ago…and I want to do this without having to drain myself trying to work my way through it. I want these things, but I know…that medication is an easy way out for me, and that I dont need it to continue.

Can you blame me though? How many in society truly enjoy the easy way out of things versus pushing through with hard work in determination. Perhaps my generation is just spoiled with luxury, thus we are accustomed to acquiring things with ease…or maybe its just me. Either way, this struggle has been so challenging, and I left my appointment today slightly discouraged that I wasnt going to get fixed. The easy way out, it’s so tempting, but one has to ask themselves how rewarding it truly is at the end of the day.

Weird, I know…but at least read the first little bit before judging.

So, I wrote an essay today on the question is Cybersex Sex…Looking at three different philosophical views, it was a very interesting piece to write. It got me thinking however of different questions…such as will cybersex ever replace real sexual activity?

I mean, one could argue that cybersex is real sexual activity. If it is a virtual reality suit, or text based sex, webcams…one or more people are engaging in sexual activity that is stimulating them sexually. IS that enough though? Currently, our paradigmatic understanding of sex is that it is intercourse (Heterosexual) and that the penis must enter the vagina.I think most would still agree, that in order to have sex, one must act in such a way…but where does that leave homosexual couples that cannot preform this type of sex? Does that mean they are unable to have true sex, and are then left to only mere substitutes?

I’m still uncertain about how I feel. On one hand, the connection and deepness (no pun intended troll) of intercourse is not duplicable in my opinion. I just, lets be real: at nineteen, most of us have been slightly sexually active. We know what it is like to discover our sexuality with someone, and if not, at least to be curious about it with ourself. Now, I’m not suggesting everyone should go out and start having sex just to feel a connection, my concern is that cybersex is stripping humanity of what real sex is about: intimacy, passion, connection.

This is a concern for me because cybersex is just…void, of real sexual intimacy. Through engaging with individuals (obviously, not naming for their privacy) in discussion about cybersex, I have been able to understand that perhaps it is very shallow. Lets say, you and your partner are masturbating on webcam with each other in order to arouse the other, causing climax. After climax, how would you feel? Physically satisfied, of course…emotionally connected to your partner? Maybe a little…but would you be able to hold them in deep embrace, knowing you spent sexual passion with each other in the flesh? Not a chance.

Sure, it’s an old school way of thinking, but I really hope it stays this way. I’m not saying long distance relationships don’t work, or that emotionally one cannot be connected in a long distance relationship, and with that having sexual experiences…I just feel that cybersex will never replace sex, and by that line of logic, is not real sex.

I wonder, whos going to actually read this and give it some thought? Hopefully a follower will. I think to myself after I post “jeez, I wonder if anyone is going to take the time?” Oh well, shouldn’t let such nonsense stop me.

So it’s 1 am, and I need to get up pretty early tomorrow, do a full day of school and do the shift I picked up at work..

Hmph, how crappy-but oh well, I guess I sort of did that to myself. Good news is: my girlfriend is coming home this weekend, and it’s been two very stressful weeks of not having her beside me.

Now, perhaps this is corny or stupid, and granted she doesn’t even read my blog (don’t blame her, shes so busy), but not having her live near me is painful. It’s not nearly as bad as it was when we first started dating, but I’m a physical touch type of guy (not sexual, perverts), but intimate..Cuddling, hugging, playful kisses-all that sappy crap is my love language…and distance, especially two+hours, does not allow for that to flourish.

I mean, in the past week and a half or so since I got back from London (Ont.), I have faced possibly finding a new home, losing this house, anxiety through the roof, and my own personal financial crap. To be fair, Lisa has been doing the best she can to help me through these times while being in London, and while doing her double major in school(crazy?)…but heh, to hold her again is going to be beautiful. It’s going to bring me the peace I need, and honestly-if we spend the…seven hours or so just lying in bed, cuddling-I’ll be the happiest man on earth.

It’s funny, my youth pastor Chris Judge (awesome guy) said last Sunday he married the most beautiful girl in the world. When I told him I disagree, and that is pretty subjective, he argued and said “naw, you maybe will marry the 2nd, 3rd, 4th (Etc), but I got the 1st). I chuckled, but took something out of that. I was right, he was wrong, my partner is the most beautiful women in the world. aside from her amazing looks, shes done something most women would never -stick by a guy, who struggles showing his confidence, who has terrible history with trusting women (which shows!)…and most of all-love me all the way through.

I don’t know how this blog formed, I guess I just felt…you know, that my girlfriend inspired me tonight. Shes beautiful, and even though I can’t be with her in person too often, shes my biggest support, my rock, my guardian angel.